It’s A Wrap

Everyone’s favourite X Factor 2010 hopeful Cher Lloyd last week found herself in the bottom two having been touted throughout this years competition as possessing all of the qualities necessary to be a successful recording artist. She’s the diva with that ‘little bit’ extra – she’s a singer… but is she? She can rap… but can she? Well for my money she needs to go back to her mentors and ask them to let her take on a song that would surely once and for all prove that she’s got what it takes – Rapture by Blondie featuring the late 70s, early 80s pin-up Debbie Harry. Bear in mind that the original hit the streets way back in 1981 and to be quite frank, there haven’t been many if at all any bona fide female pop artists since to even come close in terms of the singing and rapping displayed on that ground breaking hit.

No pressure then, Cher…

Make it your own…

Why? Because I said So!

 

 

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I’ve Made My Decision… X Factor 2010

With the hype machine going in to overdrive amid accusations of unsportsmanlike conduct from the esteemed judges and reports of deportation, prostitution and god knows what else attributed to the wannabes, it must surely be that time again to check out this years 12 talentless losers of the X Factor. So, was the race card shown? Is having no singing ability the new benchmark? And will Louis Walsh ever be given a decent category to mentor? Let’s run the rule over the chosen ones saddled with the burden of making Simon Cowell even more money in 2011. And trust me, in the immortal words of the ‘nations sweetheart’, Cheryl Cole… I’ve made my decision!

One Direction – out the bleeding door – sharpish. Only got in because Simon put them together having been told to do one  and not impressing as solo singers. Odds – slim to none.

Gormless

Belle Amie – another hodge-podge of a group hastily assembled after being rejected as solo singers. Nicole Scherzinger thought they were too talented to let go – yeah right. Odds – I refer you to my earlier assesment above.

Pathetic

FYD – or as I’d prefer them to be known – F*cking Young D*ckheads. Hoping that it’s not too late to cash in on JLS’s popularity. Why couldn’t someone have told them – that train’s done gone! Odds – best of the group category so a record deal might be had.

Useless

John Adeleye – representing for the over 28’s. Louis reckons he’s got such a soulful voice – so did Gamu Nhengu and the fat kid who sang like Luther Vandross but where are they now? Should provide entertainment and the odd mammy moment in his quest to become an Al Jolson for the noughties. Odds – It ain’t happening baby.

You’ve been unsuccessful l on this occasion

Storm – as a young boy he was bitten by a reptile which in turn gave him super powers and a unbeliverbably thick skin to the point that he entered a talent contest with no discernible skills apart from rocking the name of Halle Berry’s character from the X-Men. Odds – No, no and no. That’s 3 no’s. I’ve made my decision.

Pigs might fly

Mary Byrne – Let’s make this quick. She’ll have one of two tactics – cry her way through, trying to come to terms with her look etc compared to the younger girls or pretend she’s having the time of her life! Odds – sods!

Su-Mo

Cher Lloyd – apparently being groomed as Cheryl Cole’s heir apparent. For now she’s just a mini-me wannabe who like countless many before who have laid claim to being edgy, street-wise and saleable.  Odds – column inches a plenty.

War paint, fork tongue and a prayer

Kattie Waissel – Not the prettiest, nor the best singer but she’s tough as nails and get’s what she wants by any means necessary. She’ll turn on the water-works or cop a plea bargain if needs be!  Odds – depends how gullible the public are?

It’s a dirty job but someone’s gotta do it

Rebecca Ferguson – nondescript, harmless and easily moved to tears. She’ll go far if her mentor, Cheryl decides to go going multi-cultural all over again after the Gamu Nhengu fiasco blew up in her face. Odds – Leona, Alexandra… Ashley – oops!

I can do exotic

Aiden Grimshaw – boring name, boring character. One of this year’s ‘quirky brigade’ who couldn’t really sing but had that certain something… go figure. Odds – all outta luck.

Stuck on boring

Matt Cardle – the boys leading contender this year. It has come to something when a so-called ‘pop star’ is on course to be less exciting than former winner Leon Jackson . Odds – England to win the 2014 World Cup.

Dull as dishwater

Nicolo Festa – from the moment he arrived on stage he had a game plan – and it’s working. Everyone’s convinced he’s a diva – mama mia! What a load of tosh! Can’t sing, can’t dance but the boy’s got a career and record deal waiting. Odds – Surprise, surprise!

Nauseating

Well as I said I thought I had seen something earlier but I’m just not sure anymore… I mean can they handle it when the pressure is well and truly on? Can they hit the big notes, execute faultless choreography and do the possess the star personality of say… a Robbie Williams… Well, I’ve made my decision…

Why? Because I said so!